Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
