Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
