More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
