allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
