My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
