I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Pants are for mortals
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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