I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
