"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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