Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
