so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
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Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
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Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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