What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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