I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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