They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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