SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
