we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
