I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
