I think I died a long time ago.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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