Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
