Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
