My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
