Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
