The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
