I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
