i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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