This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
