I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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