just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
