I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
