While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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