So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
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hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize