Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.