That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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