Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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