The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
