god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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