So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
