I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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