Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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