Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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