whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We left the knife in your bed.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
