If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Sorry about my life...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
