Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
