The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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