i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My hand turned me down
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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