So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
tell me about the eggs
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
