Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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