I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
