it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
