Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
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If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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