Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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