Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
