Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
