Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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