I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
