the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
